The Miracles and Mysteries of Costco

On the History of Costco

Many years ago, a young man named Jim Costco, who often went only by Costco,  had a lot of fear. He was afraid of spiders and snakes and for some reason, people with the last name Jones. But, most of all, Costco was scared of the end of the world. This fear led him to spend a lot of time in his custom made underground bunker. To keep his bunker sufficiently stocked, he would make numerous trips to the grocery store every week. But, one morning on his regular, mid-week trip to the store, everything changed.

As he cleared the shelves and filled his cart with toothpaste a crazy thought came to him. “Why am I forced to buy toothpaste in such small quantities?”, “Imagine if I could buy toothpaste by the gallon, instead of the ounce?” On that day Costco began to dream of a place where men and women of all ages would never have to buy anything by the ounce ever again and everyone’s end of the world bunker would be adequately stocked. Mr. Costco’s dream soon became a reality as he opened up his first, Costco store.

costcoThe Thorne Journey Begins

Fast forward. My wife had been interested in a Costco membership for years. She heard it was a cheaper place for diapers and baby formula and things like that. But, we never got around to it and I felt like it was a waste of money to pay to go to any store to buy things. But, a few weeks ago, while watching football at a friend’s house, he casually shared some mysterious salsa from his cabinet. I believe I saw an aura emanating from the bowl as he laid it on the table. A warning on the label cautioned that the salsa was habit-forming. I laughed at it as I dug into the salsa. A little while later, after most of the chips and salsa were gone, and determining there was no more in the house, I found out it was from Costco! So, two days later we were the proud owner of our very own membership.

Mateo's SalsaAs my wife and I entered the store for the first time with our new membership cards, it felt like we were entering a whole new world. We walked in, wide-eyed and amazed at this new food playground now open to us. The warehouse was as packed as a Disney Theme Park, and people were similarly packed for a day-long adventure.

There’s something about being in Costco that makes it difficult to think. Pretty quickly my wife and I were contemplating whether or not we needed a $300 bladeless fan. I have no idea why we would need such a thing, but it somehow suddenly seemed like a reasonable thing to buy. bladeless fan

As we ventured deeper into the store, exploring aisle by aisle, we discovered a few things. Everything costs $8.99. Want a chicken? $8.99. Frozen pizza? $8.99. 10,000 toothpicks? $8.99 New tires? $8.99. Everything costs the same. And all over the store there were people placed, handing out food to taste. I obviously had to try everything. I don’t know what Chipotle Chicken Sausage is- but it was pretty good. I don’t think I really needed a 3 lb. bag of cheese and caramel popcorn (that costs $8.99), but the sample seemed too delicious to pass up. Those little sample cups continued to call to me like evil sirens, encouraging me to buy things I didn’t need, things I would later regret.sirens copy

As the food quickly began to pile high in our cart, I found myself wondering for the first time in my life, “Should we buy a second freezer?” In that moment, I think I realized, maybe for the first time ever, what it truly meant to be an American. If I have to contemplate buying a secondary freezer to hold all the food I owned because it didn’t fit in my other freezer, then I’m probably a true American. So, really, shopping at Costco is what our founding Fathers would have wanted. They would have wanted me to have enough toilet paper to fill a closet and sliced turkey to feed a small city. first world girl meme

I left Costco that day a different man, than the one who went in. I felt like I had discovered a whole new world, that up to this point, was only whispers and rumors. I was now the proud owner of 10,000 baby wipes and could finally check that off my bucket list. I felt fearless because my family could survive almost any potential disaster for about 3 months on food we had just purchased.

If, on the way home from Costco, aliens attacked our city, people would soon find their way to my house begging for sliced turkey, which would suddenly be worth more than gold. I would be rich and soon voted as mayor of our makeshift city. My closet full of toilet paper would feel like Fort Knox and I would generously help my neighbors survive the alien invasion by sharing my toilet paper with all. I would owe all these riches, nay, my very survival, to Costco. Predator copy

Thank you Mr. Costco for your fear of the end of the world and helping millions of people, all over the world, prepare for whatever may come.

Costco slogans that didn’t make the cut:

  • Join Costco and prepare for the inevitable alien invasion!
  • Don’t let the end of the world sneak up on you, join Costco today!
  • 5 gallons of mayonnaise goes a long way during a zombie apocalypse. Join Costco today!
  • Buy a lifetime supply of Toilet Paper in one trip. Costco.
  • If you’ve ever felt a need to buy groceries while getting your teeth cleaned and tires changed, all while spending half of your paycheck, then you need to join Costco today!
  • Do you know what 300 Hot Dogs looks like? You do now. Costco.
  • No one needs 6 pounds of popcorn, but your sweet tooth will love you for it. Costco.
  • You can legitimately buy a cow here. Costco!
  • Only babies buy only 1 pound of coffee. Real men by 10! Costco.

p.s. The part of this article which talks about the origins of Costco was made up. I’m sure Mr. Costco wasn’t actually scared of those things. If you’re interested in reading the true story of Costco- follow this link.

Uncle Sam 1 copy

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